Roblox - Lionhearts: The Crusade Experience
I am Tankfish, and I'm wondering when the pope is going to call for the next crusade. It's been like 700 years. Today we're playing Lionhearts, which is basically what if the Third Crusade was a fan fiction written by a drunk boy on methamphetamines. What if the final boss of the crusade, how you've been sultanate, is the weakest of all factions and how they've capitaled the mask is taken by the Cyprus rebellion, who are supposed to be rebelling against Dick First of England for whooping their ass and taking their little island.
What if Sultan Saladin thought it was fun to always attack when the Christians were having their mass? Well, what if the Chaos Legion took Jerusalem? Well, there's no what-ifs because in this game, all that shit's happening in the span of two weeks. It's absolutely hilarious. Good game all right, current quests 10 out of 10.
I couldn't find your father downstairs. I thought he was still at the supermarket, by the milk. It's 4 p. M., Dad it's not that late; you should go on the pilgrimage. I'm tired of seeing your sorry ass. My dad, are you kicking me out? You are old enough to find work on your own. My son, you can not stay on this farm forever.
I want to stay in the basement and play Fortnite. You must find something in the world to bring you prosperity. That would be much more than what you would find here. Holy shit, he's actually kicking me out. No dad, please. I'll help out. I'll do the dishes. We don't need your chest on the farm.
So my dad kicked me out of the house and told me to see the village lord, who absolutely hates my guts. Of course, I hate him too. I always sit in his front yard when no one is looking. I agreed to go into the really sus underground dungeon to retrieve some artifacts, and I agreed because I was going to shove it up my ass and shit.
I'll be forgiving him. I went to the dungeon and wept as I shanked some guys who tried to rape me. I tried to shove it up my ass, but it didn't fit, so I went out. What the shit? Did God shit himself? I was away in the dungeon for like five minutes. I came out and this shit happened. What the shit was the village lord?
He was dying, so I wanted to tell him to go shit himself and that I was actually the guy who kept shooting in his front yard. Then I hurried back to my house to find my mom and dad, who were brutally. So I screamed, "Look, I guess it's my house now, dad." I'm going to stay in the basement and play Fortnite.
What are you going to do? Kick me out? Wait, you can't. The guy who killed them left them there to sort out their guts. Why swords in the 13th century? And you don't just leave it there after smacking someone. Anyway, I had to escape the village, and it took 10 minutes for my singular brain cell to figure out where I should be going.
Then I saw another sucker, so I wanted to shank him. I got my ass handed to me, so I did a little bit of a tactical retreat. Then I got to the port where I met my uncle. I was like, "Your dad died." I was sobbing really hard. Then we fled to Sicily, where he told me to go to Musina to meet him.
I had no idea where Messina was, so I asked him if he could take me to Messina. Okay uncle, and so I had to use the skill I had learned back when I was a demon's lawyer in Demon Fall. I walked for a really long time, and then I got on this cart that could take me to Messina. He got stuck in the critical air, so I had to kill myself, resurrect after three days at the dock, and walk all the way back again.
I eventually got to Messina, and my uncle was like "Shit, I didn't expect you to make it." I mean, this was a test. If you couldn't, you were probably not going to survive anyway. Then I asked him what to do next, and he was like, You know, shh. At first I tried to start a mercenary clan with the boys, but then I realized that I'm shit broke.
The food was like, just go onto the discord and beg for a job, so we did, and we got our first job offer. When the Kings of Legion raid a game, we first send in the least brain dead of the legion, aka the elites, to learn to play the game so they can teach the other dumbasses how to play later. This allows us to rapidly expand our military, identify possible enemies, and all that good stuff, but we skip this phase in this raid because I forgot.
So he won a little bit, something like this sniper hired me. I took his money, then I just told him, "Yeah, go ahead and feel free to draft people from the Chaos Legion." I'm leaving the training in your hands and I'm just going over there and playing "Demon Fall." I had not shown myself again for a month before the preparation, phase io bid sultan, and did not have any territories, and was the last faction in ranking after a month when I suddenly remembered about lying hard while I was taking a sh i quickly dm sniper, asking about the current situation.
Apparently, while I was busy breathing and shanking demons, a whole season of Game of Thrones happened. In the game, snipers took over the entire central Levant, bringing you've been salted at the number one ranking, rooted the Cyprus out to northern Levon and took other cities, which made them scared shitless.
The Cyprus, to have peace, resorted to having a political marriage with shit, altair. Or whoever the shit was in charge of the assassins because of this alibis, stop chasing after the Cyprus because nobody wants to fight the shit with hidden blades who jumped down seven-story buildings and snapped people in daylight.
Then the sniper went and started pissing off the Christians by continuously attacking the Teutonic Order. He did it under the pretense of liberating the zangrid from the tyrannical rule of the German knights. But he kind of reacted a little too hard and took all the shit that the two tons had. Then he began raiding holy masses for shots and giggles, and that's when the shit pope had enough of him and launched a goddamn crusade on his shit ass.
Sniper then proceeded to get absolutely freaking annihilated by the coalition. You know, the preparation phase is usually supposed to be calm and uneventful, like nothing is actually supposed to happen here, not some crack ass novel written by George R. Martin on lsd. What the shit? So almost nobody got trained, and everybody hates us.
We've got no cities and snipers shit over pins, so no one wants to play the game because of this. We rallied a shitall compared to our usual rallies. It was so sad that every time we raided I would go in my closet and cry a little bit, but I was optimistic, so we launched some skirmish attacks on our enemies.
