Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude! - Sega Genesis - Angry Video Game Nerd (avgn)
Stay tuned because at the end of this episode we destroy a game in one of the most unique ways possible. It's just a little stunt we've been trying to do for years now, but first a message from our sponsor, Raycon, Their everyday earbuds are great for wearing well every day. I wear them when I'm shooting b-roll footage, practicing guitar, or just cleaning up around the nerd room.
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because I've been angry for far too long. Hey there friendo, are the day-to-day stresses of shit wearing you down and you're looking to get away without leaving that food time? Well, you angry shit, let the vacation come to you. Explore the Caribbean; surround yourself with exotic animals and bodacious babes without leaving the comfort of your tiny, pathetic basement.
And you'll receive a highly immersive article game that will leave you feeling like you just came back from Guantanamo Bay. Okay, well, that sounds like it could be fun. Maybe it's like one of those virtual reality kinds of games like Total Recall or some shit. I mean, filled with excrement, "Green Dog on Genesis." Well hey, I'm going to play this game with a happy face, Gonna chill with the cursing chill with the cursing.
I'll be able to make it through that way. Yeah, let's chill like that surfer beach. Green Dog surfs up. Why is he called the "green dog"? He's not green and he's not a dog. And look at this beach. It's so nice. It just looks like you know, right out of swamp things, swamp ass butt. I like how he just sticks out of the background.
I mean, he doesn't even belong on the beach. But that's cool because he's just all one with nature. I mean, his head looks like a lone ball sack. Not even his face wants to be a part of this game, but that's fine. That's fine yeah, the backgrounds, they all look like, you know, real life photos painted over in Mario paint.
Yeah, kind of like. I get trying to make a Sega game look realistic or doing the digitized mortal kombat thing, but these looked really off compared to the cartoon character in front, but that's okay, that's okay. So the game starts off with green dog crap, getting hit by a giant wave, and now this pendant is stuck around his goofy neck and can't be taken off until six pieces of Aztec treasure scattered around the Caribbean are put back together again, or else he can never surf again.
How do I know this? Because Bambi Green Dog's Goliath girlfriend happens to be an expert on the matter, she knows so much why the pendant chose her instead. I mean, just look at her and look at him. It's like they're from two completely different games, all right. Right off the bat, what annoys me is the music.
It's a continuous irritating and piercing loop, but that's fine. I can take it. It's all right. Just chill it sounds like the soundtrack to a weekend at Bernie's being played with trash cans and kazoos. These are not expensive kazoos, but cheap ones, and I love that jump. That's cool just jump it'll be okay.
Watch out for the piranhas. So many piranhas. So those birds make that noise, so you attack enemies by whipping frisbees at their heads, but it doesn't seem to do jack shit crap half the time. He went through that. He went through that parrot four times. What is Green Dog's problem? Whipping frisbees at parrots what an a-hole, sometimes you can get power-ups like this home frisbee, which is helpful, but of course it's only around for a limited time and there are barely any enemies around.
Why give it to me? You can reduce damage by eating food you find by hitting objects and enemies, and how frogs explode into french fries is beyond my culinary experience. This game is supposedly set in the islands, so why not use fruit like bananas or pineapples? Instead, it's the kids' buffet menu at Sizzlers; hot dogs flying out of a parrot's shit, donuts popping out of aztec deities.
It makes no sense. No sense fudge that jump. He jumps five feet there, but he can't jump on that shitblock. I'm clearly able to jump on that block, but maybe it's his floppy, freakish feet or the helmet here blocking him, okay, but there's absolutely no reason I shouldn't make this jump other than the game just sucks.
Okay, I'm starting to lose it here all right. I've made it to one of the boss fights, and it's anti-climactic as all hell. The music doesn't change, and the boss blends in with these moldy looking graphics. Take a good game like Castlevania. When you fight Medusa, she begins as a statue, but then she emerges from it, and the music gets intense.
This came out in '86, but here this boss looks like an infected scab, vomiting piss balls and blue tapeworms at you. What the what are these things? They look like giant chunks of foreskin. I mean, when you step on them, they let out a shitfart. I will be honest, it's not that bad of a game. It's definitely playable.
I think we've seen the worst of it already. All right well, I'm making it pretty far here. Okay, just the pipe got me to stop, stop. I have to do a little level over again. I can't believe they sent you back that far. As you watch the screen scrolling by, you can just feel those precious minutes being stolen from you.
It's the same feeling of wasted time as if you drive all the way to the store and then realize you left your wallet at home, so you have to go back just to go forward again. Sucks yeah, so being chill just went out the shit window. Come on, jump and watch the shitparrot. You goddamn parrot. And then the meters.
These are even worse. You look at that. They just sent you all the way back. That's the worst problem with this game. It just sends you back. It sends your shit back. You go forward, you go back, you go forward, and you go shit back again. Why can't you just skate around them? Skates are an option, but the minute you touch that skateboard, you're stuck with this shit until you finish this shit up fart fest.
Of course, on the boss level, I have to continue this shit with the skateboard or rollerblades, so I'm going with the rollerblades this time. Are you kidding me? I got the skates, but because of that ridiculous jump, I ended up with the skateboard again. Well, it doesn't matter because I died gently this time.