Elden Ring - Review. Dark Souls Iiii (vi) Dung Eater Edition

Elden Ring - dark souls

Hey hey, people. See here the following is highly experimental and may come off as disjointed or schizophrenic. I don't care. Eldon Ring, the newest hot release by Hideo Miyazaki of Ghibli studios, famous for classic animations such as Hal's Moving Mausoleum and My Invader Totoro, from software, has really outdone themselves as this game features not one but two crustaceans.

Possibly even more. I haven't unlocked the ability to swim, so I cannot confirm or deny that the game begins and I make my character's name. His class, naturally, is wretched. I did originally consider making him a prisoner, but I chose not to. I took the key as my starting item and lived to regret it after I got immediate access to a side dungeon and got run over repeatedly by a speeding train.

I chose instead to go the other way. After camping a few times, Molina comes by and offers me an accord. I turn it down because I think it's funny. I then proceeded to kill Morgot and Godric before I realized it. I haven't leveled up. How was I supposed to know I had to say yes to Miyazaki? Just because I'm offered the ability to talk to a woman doesn't mean I'm going to take it.

Elden Ring - elden

I think that's a symptom of bad design. Conversely, I fell for Violeta's trick in a book, the warm embrace of a woman's lap, only to find out a hundred hours later that it's actually a debuff. What did they mean by this? I guess I'll have to consult a 40-minute lore article to figure out the true symbology.

This is, I tell you, passive storytelling at its very best, especially when half the characters either disappear, die, or start posing during your play-through. This might bother people who believe there's a story which is the equivalent of finding a bunch of random notes and thinking to themselves, "damn that book was wild." Halo's plot is crazy.

Have you not read all the secret terminals on the bright side? Dark Souls lore channels now have a steady source of bread for the next four years. I assure you, you'll know every side character better than your own family. I don't remember which war Grand Ed was fighting, but I do know patches. I know that canonically.

Elden Ring - elden ring

He is circumcised. Honestly, I don't judge. I still get to have my wife, Ronnie. What I'm criticizing is the involvement of this fat shite celebrated, offering help to weave the narrative experience. Okay, let's see what this says. Sunset, She was found squatting in the grass, groaning. Every stool was looser than the one before and smelled fouler by the time the moon came up.

She was shit brown water. The more she drank, the more she swore, but the more she swore, the more she grew, and her first sent her crawling to the stream to suck up more water. The rest is my case. J.R.R martin is the greatest author who has ever lived. He has also never finished his books and, so fittingly, from software, has embodied the spirit of J.R.R.

Martin by never finishing a single quest line. Elven Ring is an ambitious platformer. If you disagree, you haven't played the game because half the game is jumping off rooftops with a head start or falling into a hole in a canyon into the place you originally wanted to but accidentally jumped into before doing so, adding an extra foot to the height of your fall, which turned it into a lethal descent.

Elden Ring - review

There's nothing I love more than jumping awkwardly off rooftops. But how do we spice it up with archers? Do you love archers? Yeah, I'm thinking game of the year, calling the mountain your game. This torrent is absolute genius, so anybody googling Eldon Ring torrent gets a bunch of horse pictures instead.

I can't wait until Eldon Ring 2 features the popular and beloved character Codex De Nuvo, pre-cracked. No virus, but why are we here? I've got to take another screenshot. We're here for the difficulty, because we're hardcore gamers. Take it for me. I've already beaten the final boss, John Eldon Ring, so I can give a few pointers.

Have you ever used a weapon, armor, fast travel potions, or opened the world map? I'm sorry to say this, but you're playing the game wrong. This game is meant to be played at level 1 as a wretch using a single club. No upgrades If you disagree, I'll call you a casual. If you ever hear someone talking like this, take pity on them because this behavior is characteristic of someone who stacks no paper and gets no shit.

Elden Ring - ring

This game isn't hard, not because it's not hard, but because article games fundamentally You know what's hard? The circumstances of life: getting a degree, having a stable family, being born with a baby arm You're born and one arm develops normally into an adult arm, but the other is this stunted mini child arm that stops growing at like three years of age, so you're this freakish monstrosity.

You'll be known around town as "baby arm man" and the only job you'll ever have is baby arm stock photos because it's harder for them to get a kid to pose for that. It's a lot more convenient to have a malformed monstrosity. Furthermore, I genuinely believe that pattern recognition is a form of cheating.

Your homo sapiens brain is literally destroying itself. The difficulty of the experience through compensatory adaptation I hope that people consider this in the future and later learn to recognize that the truest software experience would be a lobotomite, where prior to playing we perform a frontal lobotomy and sever your prefrontal cortex.

Elden Ring - souls

Sometimes, this is the only option you have to preserve the purity of your experience. is brain damage. Multiplayer enhances the experience. Sometimes you'll see white phantoms briefly appear as players from other worlds go through their own journeys. Once, I saw a white phantom appear, teabagging a dead NPCS.

At that moment, I knew I was playing a masterpiece. Messages and appraisals are exactly how Reddit users believe karma works. You upvote, and you get actual physical nourishment from karma. I looked at a message on the floor. Maybe someone out there will tell me something useful. Then you open it and read it only to see a dog butthole closely followed by Fortnite, according to a true story.

Once upon a time, Miyazaki's car broke down in the middle of a road. It was during the winter, so no help was to be found when suddenly three strangers appeared out of nowhere, sucked him off, and left without even saying a word. That's how Miyazaki got the inspiration for Seoul's multiplayer, gameplay, and flawless, stunning effervescence.

Just like Bloodborne was a complex allegory for sexually transmitted HIV, Elder Rang is a rich synesthesia. Between seeing swampland and remembering Blighttown or hearing Leondale, long after you've left the capital, because my ears are still ringing from the sound of those shit trumpets, actual real critique No jokes, no giggles.

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